5 Woman Theory

Remedy for divorced men: The Five-Woman Theory

(One of the footnotes from the book)

Theo is a friend of mine. He became an expert in divorce when his wife  left him for his best friend. Theo went through all the phases related to divorce. It begins with sadness about the breakup, then follows loneliness because your partner is no longer around, then anger because of everything he/she has done to you, then relief that you no longer have that  hassle, and finally the increasing horniness due to abstinence. Theo realized the best thing he could do was find a woman to help him deal with those feelings, but he didn’t want to start a new relationship. Very few women are a spontaneous fit. Love at first sight never means you instantly find the ideal partner. Being in love, however, prevents  you from realizing this truth. A new partner offers the opportunity to change enough so that you’re a sufficient match. Being in love accelerates the process, just as loneliness can, or horniness. Theo came up with the Five-Woman Theory. One to love. One to hold. One for the kids. One for your dick. And one to talk to about it all. He never did tell me how the theory worked in practice.“Figure it out for yourself,” he said.

“I’ll write a book about it,” I said later.

“That’s impossible,” he claimed.

After careful analysis of my long-term relationships, I came to the conclusion that in most women, one can distinguish the following

traits:

1.  The Caring Woman. She caters to men’s infinite laziness. Women may want to be lazy, but historically they have never had the

chance. Women took care of the household, cared for the children and worked in the fields. Men drank, gambled and were cared for. And still men love this caring to more or lesser degree, no matter how free and independent they believe they are. Of course, modern men will not admit it; they don’t begrudge women a different role. They have no problem with women having careers, away 72 from the children and household concerns. So these men become stay-at-home dads; they perfect their cooking and other household skills. But that doesn’t mean that deep in their hearts they would rather admit their laziness and let all those petty bourgeois trivialities take their course.

2.  The Listening Woman. Conversations with women have an added tension, especially when the topic is intimate. Men among themselves can only talk so long about sex and love. Other, less personaltopics are sometimes still good for an evening of debate or discussion. But when a man wants to talk about himself, his love life, and the rest of his existence, a woman is the essential conversation partner. Not only are women better at pretending to listen, they also allow men to show their vulnerable side. And since there is no competition and men don’t need to be machos, the Listening Woman is an absolute necessity for every man.

3.  The Mothering Woman. Most men, like me, love children. Men even love babies if they take the time and if the mothers give them a chance. More often than not, however, they can’t break the symbiosis between mother and child until their child can say “Daddy.” I’m aware of theories that argue that men are attracted to women with wide hips, because they can bear children more easily—a wide pelvis for an easy birth. But we won’t serve up that kind of  hot air. Men want children, and—more so than women—they realize it takes two to have children. Not because he can’t be father and mother at once, but because he feels that it is unnatural. Whether he wants to make his first child or already has a few running around, or is already divorced and has to share his offspring according to a child-custody agreement, he needs a mother for his children.

4.  The Unattainable Woman. Falling in love is an impossible part of the soul. If a man has never been in love, he hasn’t lived yet. Men are and always will be wonderfully immature when it comes to love. Women lose the need to search for the knight in shining armor or the unattainable man much earlier. They often grow up after one or two heartbreaks and are better capable of playing the unattainable woman themselves.

5.  The Sex Woman. She is both simple and complicated. A man wants sex mainly for confirmation. Globally speaking, though, women

feel the same way. Either way, sex remains a wonderful, essential and primal event. Is there a sixth woman? Or a seventh? The Trophy Woman? The Hobby Woman? The Co-worker Woman? It all depends on how you categorize your needs, but we scientists must draw the line somewhere. One thing is clear: it is hard to find all the traits mentioned above in a single woman, if you’re looking for a life partner. Sometimes you find a Sex Woman in whom, with much imagination, you can also discern a Mothering Woman, but one you really would not want as the mother of your children. Sometimes you fall in love at first sight with the Unattainable Woman, only to discover that an intimate conversation with her is impossible. All the traits are present in every woman, in varying degrees. But it takes endless patience, love and above all time to bring them to the forefront.

So look for five women. One for each trait. Visit the woman who fits your mood of the moment. Give none preferential treatment and be open and honest about the others. Counter their need for competition and give them the feeling it is not their fault you cannot decide. Look for women who can handle it. Slowly but surely the urge for revenge begins to wane. Your feelings return to normal and you regain the energy to truly love. You may end up in a long-term relationship with any of the five women, or even with a sixth. Guaranteed success. Take it from Dr. Al.